Respect The Road Got You Here

Gratitude In the Face of Shame in Sobriety

I cried when I brought my daughter home from the hospital after she was born. Although I had prayed for her for a very long time, I felt incapable and not worthy of being her mom. How would I give this person the guidance and love they needed when I didn't even love myself? When I look back on this, I feel deeply for that young woman and all she didn't give herself credit for. I call this a story because it doesn't feel real now that my daughter is a 14-year-old lady!

The feelings of incapability as a mom continued to grow and grow as I had my son and abandoned my health and my needs. I was drinking to escape, yelling to control, and withdrawing to avoid feeling. This continued self-sabotage created a life of disconnect and self-loathing.  

I beat myself up daily for years, dragging up all the abuse I put my body through and the wasted time I spent drinking. This looked like barely listening to their voices as they yelled MOM, sang silly songs, and asked me to look at something again and again. Instead, I stayed angry, full of shame and guilt that had me running to drink repeatedly until I couldn't anymore.

ALL of this was something I often regretted. I convinced myself it was always going to haunt me. 

My thoughts circled about the countless times I drank before volunteering at their school, how much I drank to cook them a meal, the secret drinks in my coffee mug at their sporting events, and the sneaky bottles of wine I bought to drink on my way home. The shame and guilt were heavy and crippling. I figured I deserved it. I had to pay a penance for my actions. 

As I continue my journey, a growing desire has flourished deep within my heart space: a hunger to BE, with all my flaws, and wear the bumps and bruises from the past with pride. As I release my past, I trust that it is possible to start again, start now, and create a life that I love. Let's do this. Let's be ourselves and wear our past with gentleness and so much pride that we burst with love. 

Today, as a Whole-Health Sobriety Coach, I support women as they release shame and begin anew with confidence and self-compassion in sobriety.  

Now, I send hope for this message to you that you accept the changes rushing toward you, although it may be heavy and feel impossible to release the past. That when you do, you will be granted the opportunity to grow. As I write this, I am reminded of the writer and poet Cleo Wade, "If you are grateful for where you are, you have to respect the road that got you there." 

Your past doesn't dictate your future, my love. You don't have to live there anymore. 

I send you hope and comfort as you find even a sliver of appreciation for your story then and now. All of it has led you right here. 

x, heidi